In order to be in a deeply fulfilling relationship, any relationship, you must be honest, about everything. When you read that do you say to yourself, “There’s no way I could be totally honest and be able to keep my relationship?” A clarification is necessary here. When I say, be totally honest, that doesn’t mean say everything that’s on your mind. It does mean be totally honest with the things that you do say, and the things that need to be said.
The process starts with you now. When you read what I’m saying here, see how it makes you feel. Do you notice that you feel frustrated? Relief? Angry? Hopeless? Excited? Or does this feel like an impossible task? If you’re feeling any of those things, that’s a great start! It’s a great start because that means that you are being honest about how you feel. How does being honest about how you feel impact you? Do you feel more frustrated? Or do you start to feel some relaxation and spaciousness? Whatever is coming up for you, it is perfect for your process.
Over and over I see how couples become more intimate with each other, and each person with themselves, when they are able to be more and more honest about what is going on for them. Being honest deepens the connection, that’s the potential. What’s the point otherwise? If you want to be truly happy, I mean really happy, then you must be honest with yourself and the people you are in relationship with about how you feel.
What I’m learning about trauma, in my own personal work as well as work with my clients, is that everything comes down to trauma. It’s common that when people think of trauma they think of people who have been in a war, or other really intense life experiences like murder, fire, etc. But everyone experiences trauma on some level. So it’s not relevant to compare, everyone’s trauma is unique and valid.
Here’s a brief explanation of trauma: Trauma is when a negative experience makes a lasting imprint on a person’s psyche. So, throughout a lifetime these imprints have an affect on a person. For example, say when you were 5 years old a neighbor or sibling was particularly hurtful to you. You remember it still. That has an affect on you. Take a moment and reflect on some of the hurtful things that have happened to you in your lifetime. See how it feels to think of those memories, stay with it and breathe deeply, very deeply.
The point of trauma work is to bring to consciousness those painful experiences so that they can move and be healed. Otherwise the traumas stay in your body, you continue to build defenses to protect them and you close your Self off from living in your full potential. You can see how imperative it is to heal your trauma.
Currently I am using an amalgamation of breathwork, psychodynamic and Diamond Approach techniques to heal trauma in my clients and having all positive results. I’m also an EMDR specialist.
Yes all of this collapsing and falling apart is necessary!! You are not being dramatic. Your world, the way you lived previously, is falling apart. And it is falling apart in order for your True Self to fully emerge. There’s no way that you can unfold into your true being with all of those ego structures still in place. So yes, dear friend you are falling apart (as am I) so welcome to the free fall.
Your reactions are to be expected and that’s all a part of The Work. There’s a saying, “You cannot pack your bag and get your things in order before you leap into the Unknown.” The point being that we can’t begin our new way of living from the old way of thinking. So we need to clear the space for the new to be able to show up. This can be super scary stuff. And it is the gateway to Freedom. The most glorious and blissful way to live we could ever know.
This journey is not for the faint of heart because falling apart is terrifying. Do you find that sometimes you are extremely tense and that the same thoughts keep going round and round in your mind even when they don’t really make sense? Do those thoughts even seem to make you more anxious?
The most beneficial way to be in times of transition, falling apart, leaping into the unknown is by staying Present. Present is being right here, in this exact moment, not one second ahead, not one second behind, just right here, right now. How does that feel? Do you feel a pull to think ahead or behind or can you just stay in this moment? Breathe. Breathe big. Stay right here. How does that affect you? Take the time to really notice. Breathe more. Stay right here with your breath. Do this a lot, as often as you can. See how it affects you, even in this moment.